Wednesday, December 12, 2007
BFF
I've got a feeling this will be a super long entry.
BFF - BEST FRIENDS FOREVER...
Sumting that i've always wanted to have.
Sumting that i've always tot i have, till recently.
For those who read my earlier posts, u will notice that i mentioned an ex-bestfren. N i did say that its a long story n i will story it here later. Well, it really is a long story, and no, I'm nt going to story it yet. I dunno if i will ever do it, bt here's a simple short summary.
Her name is Natasha. I used to call her Sharifah Weirdo Natasha Sheikh Al-Osman Kapoor.
We met in 2000. Became close n then inseparable by 2001. We were like the twins. Always together. If u saw me, u will see her. And vice versa. It comes to a point that if sumbody only sees one of us, the immediate reaction is "whr's the other half? gaduh eh?"
We were tight. We had a special bond. We had the same frequency. We had same relationship probs. We were alike in so many ways. I guess that was our downfall. Y? Coz we were both stubborn and egoistic. She's more egoistic, while i was more stubborn. Dats wat u get for an aries-virgo combi.
For the past 2 years, our relationship was on the rocks. It was shaky. Very shaky. It was on-off and the on-off again. Bt the peak was apr this year. After dat, we weren't talking to each other. Literally. It was triggered by a bastard called her bf.
Actually, i've long kept wat i really feel abt the person she is whenever she has a bf. I was so hurt by her actions towards me. Bt I thought, juz be patient and ignore. Bt today, came the day, when i said wat i haf to say, for if i keep it, i shall most probly have to hold my peace forever. I had to let it out, nt to purposely blast her, bt to make her realise wat happen. I tink she needs that mirror, and who else cld have done a better job other than the 'bestfren'.
Below is the conversation we had just now:
EmiLy says:
hey sweets.. just saying a quick hello.. hope you are doin fine and all is well.. have a great week.. take care now..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
honestlt, i m surprised u said hi
EmiLy says:
well.. i just wanted to.. tt's all..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
so wen u went missing all this while... its simply coz u just wanted to?
EmiLy says:
not really.. just had to.. not proud of it and no excuse for it.. i just had to cos not v good moments in my life at the point.. save for work..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
oh really? i ges it works out well for every other fren of urs bt juz nt me rite nat?
sumtimes i wonder wat i m to u
i tot wat we had was it
i tot we were gd
i tot we were best of frens nat
bt look wat happen now
look wat is happening now
EmiLy says:
kin, no one had it good with me.. i dont expect u to believe me but its true..
i didnt get to do a lot of things with u.. i couldn't do much whenever there is a plan with u.. and i felt bad and guilty.. and u got upset everytime..
so i didnt want that to happen anymore.. i know it's not a gd enuff reason but tt's how i felt everytime i cant go to whatever function u had, or teman u wherever u wanted to go and when u needed me..
50 Faces Of Me" says:
so u juz decided to drop it n leave it like dat
u noe y i got upset nat?
i was very understanding
bt i cldnt take it if u kip cancelling it till the very last min
every time it was like dat
n u were always uncontactable
den suddenly out of the blue u will text me n say "sorry sumting wrong wif fon, cnt make it today"
its nt like u dun haf my number to call me nat
n y cnt there be a follow up ?
y cnt u juz contact me later
n say
hey kin i noe i'm bz n all
wanna go out?
or like wat u did juz now
say hi
cnt u juz do that
i'm nt dead u noe nat
EmiLy says:
i know u're not..
i'm not even gonna try to explain myself cos it's true.. i cld've done all those things.. but i didnt..
im not trying to say anything.. but partly, sometimes, it just ain't fair tt its on me at times.. maybe it's just me, it's my own doin i guess..
u disappeared too.. on occassions.. and came back after a long while.. w/o any reasons at all..
but hey.. tt's just it i guess.. im sure u had ur reasons.. i dont even hafta know.. but it's all on me now.. u don't even hafta do anything just cos i said hi..
i've hurt u enough rite.. its just my time i supposed.. to be doin what i did. it's too late to apologise.. at the time i believed that i didnt do anything wrong.. im just sorry it took me so long to do this
50 Faces Of Me" says:
u noe y disappeared nat?
cn u recall how many times u did this to me?
lemme tell u
lemme refresh ur memory
everytime u haf a bf
u will do this missing in action tingy
i m hurt all this whi;e
coz i noe long ago
dat u came back only wen u start having probs
it was same wif razil
izuan
n wan for the first part
everytime u did it
i went
oh nvm
i dun wanna disturb her new rlntship
bt still hoping u will cntct me
n den wen i juz missed u so much
i tot
blah!
juz call her
so dats wen i reappear like wat u said
bt i did that one too many times natasha
i feel like i'm second class to u
juz sum1 who u'd run to wen u haf dat no one
i dun expect u to be there wif me 24/7
u wanna talk bz?
all of us r
at sum point in life
we'll fade away
bt i dun expect u to disappear 100% nat
ur rltnship wif wan itself
brapa byk kali u disappear nat?
3 kali!
n yes i counted
coz u meant dat much to me
n tell u the truth
i missed u like hell nat!
bt i was soooooooooooooo fucking hurt on wat u did
it took me sumtime to set aside my ego n ask u out a few times before.
coz i tot, buat apa nk besar2 kan perkara kecik
u r my fren aft all
u r wat i tot my best fren aft all
bt this time nat,
i need to protect myself
i cnt kip doing wat i did
how many of my msgs din u reply?
u cld haf sent me a fwded msg if u were too damn bz
u noe y i stop even msging u aft a while?
coz i noe it wldnt matter to u at all
on my bdae
i waited for ur simple "hepi bdae"
bt no
i din get it
on my sister's wedding
u noe how much i bloody contemplate on sending dat card
i did.
coz i still wanted u to be there, against all odds
EmiLy says:
omg kin.. i swear to u... i text u on ur bdae
how cld i forget!
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
i knew u were bz
n u were werking shifts
bt i was at least waiting for that sms
wic says
kin i cnt make it
EmiLy says:
and i did text u on ur sister's wedding day i cldnt come!
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
bt no
su had to call u in front of me to ask
EmiLy says:
dammit..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
i was hurt nat
i was freaking hurt
EmiLy says:
i did text u kin..
god forbid.. i did
i swear.. i did
esp on ur bdae.. i did text.. i wld've never forgotten.. ever..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
i noe u wld nvr forget
dats y it hurt more
EmiLy says:
i know what i did.. everytime.. it's too late..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
"she remmbers n yet she din bother"
EmiLy says:
but with wan.. i did realise it too late for my own good..
tts y partly.. i didnt wanna come running to u whenever shit happened.. u were the only person i wanted to run to but i didnt cos i know what i did.. and it's been big of u to be there for me everytime i did that
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
so y cnt u run to me n xplain u realise wat u did??????
i wld haf forgive u
EmiLy says:
and so i figured.. tt u're better off not having me to do that to u..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
i waited for u to run to me nat, as odd as it seems!
EmiLy says:
i cant kin.. i cant.. being me.. the egoistic bitch tt i am.. i cldnt afford to run to u..
i was just too scared to do that.. and without knowing it do it again..
so i didnt go to u.. nor anyone.. for that matter..
u matter to me.. as much as i do to u.. still do.. too many times i wanted to say hi.. too may times i wanted to say more than just hi.. esp when u text me abt the card.. but didnt.. just couldn;t..
and now.. it wasnt cos of anything tt i said hi.. i purely wanted to say hi..
im not even expecting u to reply.. or do anything..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
wen u text me at facebook
i tot i wanted to say it all then
bt i really wanted u to be at the wedding
so i kept quiet
bt now
today
i tot this is it
coz u mite disappear again aft dat hi
n god noes wen will i ever c u again
n lose my chnace
dun see this as me blasting u
the way i see it
i'm juz expressing myself
i need to do it
EmiLy says:
i know..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
coz i've had enuff of surpressed n bottled feelings
i'm going crazy by the day
EmiLy says:
of all ppl.. i wanted it to come from u
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
so this is it
EmiLy says:
and i appreciate it... cos i've never really gotten tt from u... and im glad u did expressed it
i know u didnt even hafta do this.. u cld've just not say anything..
i just thot i owed that much to u..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
honestly, i was hurt wen i saw ur pics at frenster
its like u easily moved on
its like u were always too bz for me
n nt for the rest
dat hurt a lot too
after a while i juz accepted
dat watever we had is ruined
wen i saw our pics together
esp those kl trips
my heart ache so much
there were many a time wen i tot i needed to come face to face
EmiLy says:
kin... i never moved on..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
n ask u point blank wat happen to us?
i still cnt believe i was dumped by my bestfren for another guy
dats wat i'm worth i ges
dats my worth
EmiLy says:
i didnt dump u....... pls dont think tt
u're worth more.... i made u think that didnt i.. and u know what i thot evrytime? you can do much better than me..
a person much better than me.. who wldnt treat u like this
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
i tot i finally found dat sum1 i cn call bestfren for the rest of my life
i tot i finally haf dat permanent sum1 who will be wif me watever happens in my life
well i tot wrong
the CVs may be my fav genk
bt i cnt say any1 of dem inparticular as my best fren
they'r the best genk
my closest fren who loves me deep
bt none had wat we had
bt i'm going to give it to u
thank you for showing me
thank u for making me stronger
wen u left i found myself learning to survive on my own
wasnt easy
bt at least i did
now i noe in life
u only haf urself
thank you for teaching me dat
thank you
EmiLy says:
i dunno what to say to that.. not gonna say anything even.. but i thank u for giving me this much.. to let me know.. i dont know what else to say to u kin..
i've no right to even say anything
for what it's worth, no how small it seems, i am sorry.. for everything.. and i mean everything.. from day 1 i got to know u, till now..
from what i can see.. correct me if im wrong, life's been good for u.. and im glad..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
li'm still trying to survive
i'm still trying to figure
i've had enuff
bt pretences is all i cn afford rite now
just so u noe
EmiLy says:
abt us.. you dont' hafta pretend.. cos now i know.. even if not all, at least a little.. you dont have to befriend me again or pretend to like me still.. u do what u feel like doin.. as u shld..
50 Faces Of Me" says:
the trouble is i always feel like forgiving u n forgetting watever happen
EmiLy says:
u dont have to
50 Faces Of Me" says:
the prob is i always want u to be my friend again
the truth is i've always still regard u as my bestfren, no matter how many times i called u my ex-bestfren
i dun need to pretend nat
i like u still like before
i juz hate the way u handle tings
i juz hate the way u r n the person u become wenever u haf a bf
i ges dats y i like zahri a lot
oz wen u were him
EmiLy says:
i now know..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
u were still the same person
he was the only person who had dat effect on u
n as muc as i always want u to see happy
i hope u r no longer wif dat bastard
he was the ultimate trigger of wat is happening to us
EmiLy says:
u talking abt wan?
or zahri..?
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
wan of coz
maybe u din noe
bt let me tell u
EmiLy says:
cos for what's its worth...
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
there were a few times
EmiLy says:
i dotn care for both anymore
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
wen he was with you
n den he saw me
he juz brought u further away
i hate him
i still do
EmiLy says:
i don't blame u..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
such a bastard
EmiLy says:
well like i said, for what its worth... u can hate him all u want..
50 Faces Of Me" says:
tell me u r no longer wif him
EmiLy says:
he is one...
im not...
i broke it off...
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
gd for you.
i've nvr seen a bigger bastard den dat
EmiLy says:
u've always known what's gd for me huh kin...
and still im such a jerk
tts y when shit happened, i didnt wanna come to u.. cos it's gonna be the same thing i did everytime..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
if i'd known, i'd warned u way earlier... bt no.. i suported u at the start... bt din noe he can turn into suc a big bastard
EmiLy says:
all tt u just mentioned..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
who does he tink he is pulling u away from me like dat!
bt werent u still wif me during fasting mth
EmiLy says:
i was? no rite?
cos at the point.. i know i disappeared from everyone
50 Faces Of Me" says:
wif him i mean
coz nad saw u wif a guy
i was thr bt din c u
n apparently dat guy saw us
n he juz walked away
i tot mus be dat bitch
n frm far looks a bit like him
EmiLy says:
yes.. i was still with him.. all the way till raya.. until early this yr.. i found out tt he lied to me and i didnt reali trust him anymore.. i went on a lot of time off.. i disappeared from him..
everytime it's the same thing.. till i finally broke it off proper in aug..
during the whole year i was such in a daze.. didnt really contacted anyone.. not even u kin.. i was having lotsa flashbacks on myself and whatever i'd done..
didnt talk to anyone abt what was goin wth him or with me.. til i decided on my own
50 Faces Of Me" says:
bt dis fasting mth yg br lepas in sept tau
EmiLy says:
oh no...
i wasnt with him this yr
broke off in aug..
before fasting mth.. i was no longer with him..
prolly u guys saw him but with another person.. i dunno
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
nad saw u
din noe the guy
bt frm far the guy loks like him
EmiLy says:
where was this?
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
bt both of u walking nt dat close to each other
geylang
tanjong katong complex carpark area
EmiLy says:
was he waring glasses?
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
rite aft the jejatas
dunno cnt c
dark at nite
jus make out from physical n cara jln
EmiLy says:
the only person i went to geylang with .. and at the location u mentioned.. must've been with my close guy fren from work
he's the only one i went to geylang with.. that one time only.
but his built is bigger than wan's and taller.. with glasses..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
mayb dats him
EmiLy says:
this..
talking to u in away
* a way
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
damn the window got close i din ne wat u said earlier aft i said do wat?
EmiLy says:
lettime talk to u.. in a way
*letting me
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
oh...
i m glad we did dis too nat
honestly
i ges the air is cleared now
at least sum of it
EmiLy says:
if there's more we shld prolly clear it soon
i guess so...
anyhow.. i have to leave u now.. need to get to work..
if there's more kin.. issues i mean.. u can clear it up with me..
i wld like tt.. to listen.. i havent been doin much of that have i..
50 Faces Of Me" says:
i ges
i tink the impt ones r out
aniwei
juz in case u dun haf my number
9*******
(sorry nt for publishing purpose)
EmiLy says:
i do have ur number
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
u noe u cn still call me
it'll be awkward
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
bt
i dunno
EmiLy says:
both in fact.. even if u dont use the other one
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
lets see how it goes
EmiLy says:
i know... it's not my place to say this.. but.. u can do the same.. if u wanted to that is.. its not rite for me to say it..
yeah, we'll see how it goes..
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
i hope u contact me
i tink we need to sit down n talk
gosh dis feel likes a couple breaking up
EmiLy says:
aha.. feels like tt too...
yeah, we'll do that.. sit down and talk..
in the meantime.. u take care now..
speak soon..
thanks kin...
"50 Faces Of Me" says:
thanks to u too for allowing me to express myself
u take care too
So that was it. Honestly, I dunno if we'll ever contact each other again. Or sit down and talk like we are supposed to. Let's just see. Let's just wait and see.
BFF???
*hah*
Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 3:21 PM